How Undiagnosed ADHD Almost Destroyed My Life

Growing up I always knew something was not quite right with me. I just couldn’t work out what exactly was going on. I put most of my issues down to trauma, not realising there was so much more to it. My life was a chaotic mess. Filled with endless drama, stress and failure. I had no idea, at all, that I had raging undiagnosed ADHD!

Here’s my story..

Disclaimer: Please note, I am not a mental health professional. Everything that I mention in this post, is based off my personal experience/s and years of my own research. It should not be considered as medical advice or a substitute for therapy. 

In school, I found it near impossible to focus on what the teacher was saying. The words went in one ear, and out the other!

My brain simply did not want to take the information in.

I wanted more than anything to be able to concentrate, but unless I was really interested in the topic, I just couldn’t do it.

Aside from lacking focus, I was an intelligent kid. I was rather outspoken and a bit bossy, and this seemed to irritate kids, and adults alike!

When I was in primary school (age 6) I was assigned the informal role of being the class reading ‘tutor’ and I helped other kids learn to read, write and spell. This seemed to be my gift. I could spell anything!

I really don’t mean to ‘toot my own horn’, but I was a natural when it came to English and I never had to put too much effort into it.

Anything creative, I really enjoyed. It was the technical subjects that just didn’t do it for me.

I always made sure my school projects were ‘top-notch’, and I was called an “over achiever” by teachers in my report cards.

I wanted everything I did, to be ABSOLUTELY PERFECT!

Read more about ADHD and perfectionism here.

I was always very hard on myself, and wanted to be the best at everything. So, not being able to focus properly, made me feel like I was faulty somehow.

It made me angry and disappointed in myself. It was a constant source of stress, shame and confusion.

Maths was a complete and utter nightmare for me, and I would dread going to class. The teachers would always single me out, asking me questions, knowing full well I wouldn’t know the answer.

It was quite cruel, really.

I became angry and resentful at being put ‘on the spot’ constantly, and (subsequently) laughed at by my peers.

I was a ballet dancer for 10 years, from the age of three. I was really good at it, but it was very stressful trying to remember all the dance routines.

I would always make sure I was behind other dancers, so I could watch what they were doing out the corner of my eye. If I couldn’t see them, I would be stumbling around like an idiot. It was pretty humiliating.

I will give myself credit, I always got excellent grades in my ballet exams, being the major perfectionist that I am. There was just something about the lengthy dance routines and the distraction of the other dancers.

My brain just wasn’t having it. There was just too much going on!

From around the age of 10, I started to experience a kind of sadness. A feeling of hopelessness and uncertainty. I believe this was the beginning of my depression.

I was always very sensitive, and I wanted to be liked by everyone. If someone was mean to me, it would really eat away at me.

I would beat myself up and convince myself that I was unlikable, useless, and (generally) a ‘bad’ person.

Once I was a teenager, everything became that much harder, and I started to act out.

I didn’t really like myself much, and I felt like an outsider. I had plenty of friends, but I always felt, different.

I had pretty much given up on trying at school, and I had accepted that I would never be able to process and retain information like everyone else.

To top it all off, I was also relentlessly bullied in college (high school) for years by an older group of girls.

They made it their mission to destroy me, and they almost did. I began to self-harm and I became angry at the world.

Once I had a boyfriend, he became my focus, and my school work went down the drain!

I began to drink and smoke cigarettes. I lived for the weekends when I could hang out with my mates, and my boyfriend.

Over the years, my drinking got a way out of hand. I would drink until I was blackout drunk and I would do some really awful, and embarrassing things.

I destroyed many friendships and relationships, and I was seemingly ‘hell-bent’ on destroying myself!

Alcohol was something I would turn to when life got too hard, and it got “too hard” a lot.

When it came to work, I strived to be the best, and I really put everything into every role I had.

I had a lot of strong qualities, granted. I was hard-working, proactive, efficient and dedicated. But, I still found it incredibly hard to focus on certain things.

At almost every job, I was given the unenviable task of being the ‘minute taker’. I hated it with an absolute passion. I dreaded and despised all of those meetings that I was forced to attend.

I would put question marks in my notes (everywhere) and I’d sneakily ask other people after the meeting, what had been discussed.

I was never able to sit still in these ‘meetings’, and it would take all my energy and willpower to try and process what was being talked about.

Unless the meeting was about something I was actively involved in, my brain just wasn’t interested.

If a manager gave me random verbal instructions, I would panic! I had to have pen and paper nearby, to jot things down. Or, it would be lost forever.

I was a target for workplace bullies, too. I became scared to go to work every day, and my stress levels became intolerable!

I was, oddly, a really good adult student! I think it’s because I was doing something I actually wanted to do!

The only thing was, I would procrastinate like CRAZY when it came to my assignments, and I found reading textbooks to be tedious, and torturous. However, my grades were really good!

But, in all honesty, it was beyond exhausting for me!

Working AND studying, and fighting against my ADHD the whole time.. I still don’t know how I did it.

I was extremely burned out by it all, and I relieved when it was over.

I was always late to things, I was disorganised and I was an anxious mess.

I was an also a massive insomniac. My racing mind would keep me up all night. My brain just didn’t know how to chill out!

I would be so earth shatteringly tired the next day, that I would be yawning non-stop and half asleep till midday. This didn’t go down too well at work, as you can imagine.

I tried to mask my inner turmoil and frustrations by being overly outgoing and ‘happy’, but inside, I was screaming.

By my early 30’s, I was still sabotaging myself. I drank too much, too often. I hurt myself, and I hurt others.

I was a magnet for toxic friends and abusive boyfriends, and drama seemed to follow me everywhere I went.

I started to really dislike myself, and saw no purpose to my existence.

I was deeply traumatised by my experiences, resentful and ashamed. I felt trapped by life, and couldn’t see a way out.

My depression was so bad, and I truly did not want to live anymore.

I slowly began to distance myself from others, and kept to myself, mostly.

Life was an endless and ongoing struggle for me. I felt like I was constantly swimming against the tide.

I was fighting so hard to survive, and I was always being pushed back, by others, and by myself.

I felt like I was cursed, and believed that the whole world was against me.

I resigned myself to the fact that I wasn’t meant to have a peaceful and content life. That I would always find it hard to fit in.

That I would be bullied out of every job, and every friendship and relationship would ultimately fail.

I was scared, deeply lonely and consumed by negative thoughts, and self-hate. Read more about my negative inner voice here.

I was tired of being anxious, tired of overthinking, tired of not sleeping, tired of masking my symptoms and tired of feeling like failure!

I mourned the life I wanted to have, and the dreams that were seemingly ‘lost to the wind’.

My drive and ambition had been killed off, due to all the ongoing bullying.

All I ever wanted was to be successful and financially secure. To never have to rely on anyone else, and to be independent and strong.

I also wanted to make my mother proud.

After several family members were diagnosed with ADHD, I was encouraged to also get an assessment. I put it off for quite while, of course!

I spent a lot of time fully researching ADHD, and came to the conclusion that I most definitely had it.

I was officially diagnosed with ADHD (inattentive type) in my mid 30’s. It hurts me a little just to write that. So many years of pain and suffering, and I finally understood why.

Medication has helped me immensely, and my life is drastically different.

My inner voice is quiet now. I sleep so much better. I can focus on things, and I am much more organised.

I also no longer rely on alcohol!

Medication, quite literally, saved my life!

I still struggle with my emotions at times, and things will never be ‘perfect’. But life is so much more manageable now.

After my diagnosis, and seeing the ways in which my life improved, I knew I had to share my story and try to help others.

It couldn’t have all been for nothing.. I wouldn’t LET it all be for nothing!

So, I started this blog.

And, IT has become my purpose!

If you enjoyed this post, check out 4 Ways Adult ADHD Can Impact Your Life.

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