ADHD and Perfectionism: How to Stop Sabotaging Yourself

ADHD and perfectionism often go hand in hand. Adults with ADHD have a deep-rooted fear of failure and rejection. We have spent our lives being told that we are “disorganised” and “lacking attention to detail” and being shamed for making mistakes.

Our experiences have left us with an ingrained mindset and complete belief, that we are “not good enough.” This leads to us having a very low-self esteem and doubting our skills and capabilities.

We then set unattainably high standards for ourselves and we judge and critique everything we do, harshly. We anticipate the criticism of others by finding fault in ourselves and our work – often where there is none.

This can lead to us feeling overwhelmed, stressed and anxious at the thought of doing almost anything.

As someone with late-diagnosed ADHD, I know all too well how this can really hold us back and prevent us from enjoying things. Being so caught up in wanting to be perfect and trying to hide our flaws, is exhausting and demoralising.

Read about my personal struggle with undiagnosed ADHD, and how it nearly destroyed my life.

Disclaimer: Please note, I am not a mental health professional. Everything that I mention in this post, is based off my personal experience/s and years of my own research. It should not be considered as medical advice or a substitute for therapy. 

Adult ADHD and perfectionism is a brutal combination. Being criticised by others for so long really traumatises us, and over time we start to develop negative self-talk. The cruel words of others, becomes our inner monologue – read about my experience.

We start to turn on ourselves, and find fault in everything we do.

This can look like:

• Being hyperaware of our weaknesses and our imperfections
• Having a tendency to overlook our strengths and our talents, instead choosing to focus on all the things we think we suck at
• Beating ourselves up over any little mistakes we make, rather than just correcting it and moving on, we prefer to dwell on it
• Overthinking, obsessing and over-analysing everything we do

Adults with ADHD also tend to have black and white thinking. Things are either really good, or really bad. If we make a mistake, in our minds we have totally failed, yet again!

We are terrified of how others may view us and judge us. We know that one negative remark from someone (or even constructive criticism) could send us backwards.

Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria is common for people with ADHD. We want to be accepted by others, and rejection really messes up our self-esteem and throws us off balance. It can cause our mental health to plummet, and it triggers anxiety and depression.

Because of this, we tend to avoid doing things that could lead to rejection, of any kind. We are completely held back by our fears.

Adults with ADHD are prone to procrastination and throwing perfectionism into the mix, makes things so much worse. We are constantly criticising ourselves and nit-picking everything we do, to death.

We know (before we even start something) just how stressful it’s going to be, so we avoid it like the plague and put it off for as long as we possibly can.

We end up developing negative feelings towards the things we once enjoyed, because our brains decided to take the fun out of it, by telling us that we aren’t any good at it.

Something that was a once a passion, becomes a painful, tedious chore and just another excuse to be mean to ourselves.

Sometimes we find it hard to ask others for help and prefer to work things out on our own, which causes us unnecessary stress and wastes time. This is due to not wanting to seem incapable and stupid to others.

It’s like we are trying to prove something, all the time!

Social media has made it far too easy for us to see what everyone is up to, and we can get caught up with comparing our lives, to others.

We may find ourselves:

• Looking at other peoples accomplishments and feeling like we are so far behind them
• Feeling ashamed and disappointed with where we are at in life
• Feeling as though we will never be as good as others
• Not recognising our own achievements and failing to recognise our potential
• Only seeing the mistakes we have made, and dwelling on missed opportunities

Whether it is work related, a hobby, or the way we look – we need it to be perfect and anything less will send us spiralling into self-doubt and fuelling the negative perception we already have of ourselves.

Perfectionism is really a form of self-sabotage. We are setting ourselves up for failure from the outset, because we cannot be perfect, it is an impossible expectation of anyone!

We sabotage our success in the following ways:

• Being unwilling to try new things or business ventures, as we believe we are doomed to fail
• Hesitating to share our work with others, for fear of embarrassing ourselves
• Procrastinating and leaving things to the last minute
• Being impatient with our own learning curve and not giving ourselves time to figure things out
• Expecting immediate success and gratification
• Feeling annoyed and disappointed if things don’t go as we planned (according to our unrealistically high expectations)
• Over-editing our work and going over things with a fine tooth comb, subsequently killing our creativity and passion
• Pushing ourselves too hard and burning out

This means we end up stuck in an endless loop, never really getting anywhere in life and hindering our chances of success.

Positive self-talk – Anytime you catch yourself thinking negatively about yourself or your work, redirect your thought to something positive. Imagine a new pathway being built in your brain as you do so. It is actually possible to re-train the brain over time!

Affirmations – Make a list of affirmations and reminders about your accomplishments and positive traits. Keep them on your phone and refer to them anytime you feel a negative thought coming on. Say them out loud if you can, and repeat them over and over.

Remind yourself that it’s ok if you make a mistake, that is it normal and that nobody on this planet is perfect!!

Be kind to yourself – Try to think of what you would say to someone if they were saying horrible things about themselves. Be your own life coach, show yourself some love, compassion and empathy.

Accepting and embracing our imperfections – There nothing wrong with doing something to the best of our ability, and just letting it be! We need to understand that there will always be mistakes and things we can improve on, and that it isn’t the end of the world if we don’t get things perfect the first time around. We can always go back and correct any mistakes later on.

As an ADHDer and an extreme perfectionist, I know just how challenging it can be to accept fault in ourselves. But, we have to try not to take all the fun and creativity out of things by needing them to be so precise and immaculate.

It doesn’t get us anywhere worrying about what others think and comparing ourselves to others.

We can’t allow our fears and high expectations to prevent us from succeeding in life. We have to learn to let our hair down every once in a while and not take ourselves too seriously!

Read more about Adult ADHD here – 4 Ways Adult ADHD Can Impact Your Life.

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