Adult ADHD and My Inner Voice From Hell

The ADHD inner monologue can be our worst enemy, our abuser and our worst critic. It is filled with negativity and invokes anxiety in us, and depressive thoughts.

Our inner voice doesn’t know when to shut up. It is always there, yapping away, determined to steal all our focus and ruin our day.

It’s like the evil best friend you never wanted. The frenemy you can’t seem to cut contact with. A malignant narcissist, that’s taken up permanent residence in your mind.

Life can be challenging as ADHDers, we have many struggles and so many things to deal with. Then on top of it, we have an inner voice that bombards us with destructive, audible thoughts, at every waking hour.

It can jump quickly from one topic to another (in a split second) completely throwing us off guard. Or it may dwell on one thing for hours and hours, making us feel guilty for a past transgression.

Seemingly without an off switch, the relentless ADHD inner monologue, can leave us feeling perpetually helpless. Begging for it to release us, as its long-suffering captive.

Disclaimer: Please note, I am not a mental health professional. Everything that I mention in this post, is based off my personal experience/s and years of my own research. It should not be considered as medical advice or a substitute for therapy. 

My inner monologue was always so intense. It would harass me 24/7. It was like having a demon in my head, set out to destroy me. It was hell-bent on sabotaging all the things I tried to do and all the things I wanted to be. Its negative energy was all encompassing.

The majority of the time, my mind was swarmed by horrible thoughts. Sure there was some good ones thrown in, but more often than not, my inner voice was just mean to me.

My mind was a complete bully and there was no escape.

It sounded a little like this (and this is the PC version):

“Do you remember that thing you did ten years ago? I bet everyone still talks about it. Nobody has forgotten. Do you honestly think they would? No way! That’s going to haunt you forever.”

“Everyone thinks you’re weird, because you are. Just accept it. Nobody likes you!”

“Why do you think you’ve put on weight? You need to to start counting calories again, you’re definitely looking chunkier. Ugh gross!”

It was impossible to live with and I thought I would never be free from it. I had accepted my fate, I was doomed to be tormented for the rest of my life.

It would keep me up all night thinking and overanalysing everything in my life. It liked to remind me of things I had done wrong in the past. I would sit there ruminating for hours and hours, unable to switch it off.

It would list all the reasons to be stressed and convince me that everything was bound to go wrong. I would be lying there (at my wits end) until 3:00am, when my brain finally gave in and allowed me to sleep.

I tried so many things, but nothing helped my raging insomnia, because nothing could stop the dreaded voice and ridiculous thoughts. I was barely functioning with only a few hours of sleep each night.

I would wake up feeling like I had been raised from the dead and then I’d have to suffer though yet another joyous day, tortured by my own mind. It was a nightmare and I was beyond exhausted.

Then there was the near constant music in my head. The same song would play on loop for hours, days, weeks even.

Sometimes, there would be multiple chains of thought going at once, whilst playing the same annoying song over and over. It seemed determined to send me to the looney bin.

It would get really dark sometimes, especially when I was depressed. It was overwhelming and I hated it.

It made me feel out of control and if I couldn’t even control my own mind, what hope did I have with everything else in life?

The only credit I will give it, is that it came in handy when it came to being creative, otherwise, it was extremely stressful and downright anger inducing.

I tried to meditate several times to try to relax my brain, but it would not cease and desist.

I tried to pray it away, but it was relentless. I just wanted to be able to have a moments peace! To have a clear mind for once in my life, so I could focus on things properly, without the chaos going on in my head.

It made working so difficult, as it would be distracting me with random thoughts all day.

It would make socialising even worse (I’ve always had social anxiety) as it would be chatting away the whole time. It would be telling me all sorts of things, to make me feel unlikable and weird.

It’s no wonder I turned to alcohol to get through social events, dates and awkward outings, of any kind.

It’s incredible how much of a toll it took on me over the years.

I had no idea at the time, that it was because I had undiagnosed (and untreated) ADHD.

Read more about my personal struggle with undiagnosed ADHD.

I found out that a couple of my relatives had been diagnosed with ADHD and started looking more into it. It all came together, it all started to finally make sense.

My hectic and tumultuous life. My emotional issues, self-medicating with alcohol, anxiety and depression. My impulsivity and mood swings. My issues with focusing, and all the other fun stuff.

Once I was finally diagnosed with ADHD in my mid 30’s and started taking medication, things started to change. I didn’t notice right away, admittedly. Then one day, it dawned on me, my brain was quiet.

My inner voice was near non-existent! I was baffled. Of course, I started Googling ‘ADHD inner monologue gone after starting medication’. It turned out that loads of other people were reporting the same thing!

My medication had ‘put a sock’ in my inner voices mouth, so to speak.

I was finally able to think, when I wanted to think. I was no longer tortured constantly by insane thoughts. I was able to fall sleep at night without the blabbering going on in my head.

It was almost too quiet now, unsettling even. After being tormented by it my whole life, it was odd to have nothing much going on up there.

I have since found out, this is how neurotypical people’s minds are.

One train of thought, when they choose to think it. Not the madness I was dealing with.

Now I have the choice to turn my inner monologue on and off, as and when required. To have that kind of control over it, is empowering, to say the least.

I do believe it has blunted my creativity a little, as I have to work harder when I need to write. But, I happily accept the trade-off!

Medication doesn’t fix everything, though. But at least with a clear mind, I can concentrate on important things and I can actually sleep now!

I can’t explain how much being able to sleep like a normal person, has taken so much stress out of my life.

So, good riddance to my inner voice from hell. You definitely will not be missed!

Check out some of the other ways that ADHD can affect your life – 4 Ways Adult ADHD Can Impact Your Life.

Read about the link between ADHD and perfectionism – ADHD and Perfectionism: How to Stop Sabotaging Yourself

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